1. Show up to the restaurant thirty seconds before closing time.

2. Tell your server that you’re gluten-free but then order a slice of cake claiming that “a little bit of gluten is okay.”

3. Tap on the door two minutes before the restaurant is open while pointing at your watch and rubbing your stomach like you’re so hungry.

4. Ask for something that isn’t on the menu.

5. Practically lick your plate clean and then when the server picks it up say, “Oh, it was awful.”

6. Show up on a crowded Saturday night and say that the hostess lost your reservation or that you know the owner.

7. Eat everything except for one tiny bite of your entree and then tell your server that it tasted bad and you demand that it be taken off your check.

8. Pay your check and then sit at your table for another forty-five minutes.

9. Say you’re ready to order when you’re not even close to being ready to order.

10. Snap your fucking fingers at your server.